Among many people, there’s a certain attitude of
codependence. This is often expressed in terms of a bargain, a contract, or a
sort of quid pro quo. That is, we think, You should do this for me because I do this for
you. If you loved me, you’d do x, y, and z. The notion implies a duty.
For example, parents often assume codependent roles and expect their children
to nearly kneel and worship them because of parental sacrifices. Building
relationships on such patterns will almost always lead to resentment and
disappointment.
Examining our motives is important. Where our closest, most
intimate bonds are concerned, maintaining a realistic outlook is key. There
will be many changes during a long-term personal relationship. The initial
romance will wear off, the hormones will cool down, and the Cinderella nature
of perfect love will curl up in a mature bonding, provided the connection isn't built on false assumptions and immature, unrealistic notions taken from movies
and television shows.
It’s estimated that approximately half the marriages in
America will end in divorce. Further, this figure applies to first marriages
versus later unions, since “67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in
divorce, according to Jennifer Baker of the Forest Institute of Professional
Psychology.”5
There are many reasons for the high divorce rate, including
disappointment, selfishness, demanding too much, economic differences,
pettiness, blaming, laziness, and differences in values or faith. Inherent in
all of these factors are the underlying beliefs each partner brings to the
marriage. Surprising to many is that the lowest proportion of divorce belongs
to atheists and agnostics. Perhaps that is because the initial expectation is
simply more pragmatic. For the atheist, the connection is all about here and
now; for the religious person, there are both explicit and implicit assumptions
about unions made in heaven.
The actual reasons for divorce are not my point here,
however. This book is all about the role of belief in our lives. It’s easy to
see that an unreasonable expectation will lead to a failed relationship. It’s
equally obvious that our expectations are built upon our beliefs, and if we’re
to enjoy our lives to the fullest, choosing what we believe and how and who we
share those beliefs with is pivotal.
If you’re having difficulties with someone, take a look at
your assumptions and then consciously choose your course of action. That said,
never be afraid to let someone go if that’s what he or she wants. There’s an
old saying that goes like this:
“If you love someone, let them go. If they come
back, they were always yours; and if they don’t, then they never were.”
Reflection
What do you see in your relationships? Are your
expectations blinding you to the real attributes of the other person? Are you
denying yourself in your attempt to be what someone else would like you to be?
These questions are really two sides of the same coin, but they’re vital components
to creating the kind of connection you want.
Eldon Taylor has spent
over 25 years researching the power of the mind and developing scientifically
proven methods to use this power to enhance the quality of your life. I Believe is a book that will not only
inspire you, but will highlight the kinds of beliefs you hold that may be
causing you to fail. In the process, it will provide you with the opportunity
to choose, once again, the beliefs that drive your life.
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